You EAT what you ARE

Little, Lisa Simpson?

I like to eat… food. In recent years my way of eating has changed. One might even say it has evolved. Along the way on my journey of discovering different diets and even philosophies about eating I have heard many names for these eating lifestyles. I wanted to take moment to share some of them with you, my beautiful blog begotten brethren and sisthren?

Please enjoy my interpretation and “updated” definitions for these well known, and some not so well known, food choice terms.

Vegan – Perfect Picture of Precise Produce Pristinely Prepared Per Perennial Procedure… Posthumously. A case could be made that this diet is the closet to a divine diet in existence. This might be what angels eat. Hear that honey? I called you an angel.

Raw Vegans – I used to think these were pretentious Vegans who were also nudists. You know, walking around eating veggies in the “the Raw.” Then someone told me it just meant they won’t eat any food heated over 118 degrees. That might be why they all moved away from Phoenix where just putting your food on the kitchen counter can get it up to 120.

Herbivore – (this is just for point of reference) They eat a huge amount of plants and grow to become gigantic (elephants, rhinos, hippos, moose, elk, that guy down the street who barely fits into his SUV) so the (true) Carnivores (wild predators) will have something to eat.

Vegetarian – I used to think this type of diet was one to strive for. I have since learned that this really means you suck at being a Vegan because you won’t give up CHEESE. You’re an addict and you need HELP!

Flexitarian – a.k.a. “Semi-vegetarianism.” And now we come to the Flip Floppers of the food world. These idiots have the audacity to SAY they are Veg or Vegan but will eat both Fish and Chicken at the drop of a hat. That would be sort of like a nun saying that sometimes she acts in pornographic movies but she mostly spends her time at the orphanage with the children.

Omnivore – These people are at least honest enough to admit they will eat anything that crawls or falls on their plate. I have no respect for them but at least their honest… sort of.

Carnivores – People… (that’s right, I said people) who think they are carnivores may be in for a surprise when they claim this as their style of eating. They will discover this actually means that they only eat RAW MEAT, just like lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs, vultures, etc.  Truth is these people are probably omnivores… see above.

Special BONUS definitions section:

Hand-to-Mouthitarian – these represent many of us in America who have far too many food choices within easy reach, most of which are full of flavor and a free ride to the FAT SLOB institute for the Morbidly Obese. They will eat whatever comes through the window of their car at the drive through.

Level 5 Vegan – (As used on the Simpsons episode “Lisa the Tree Hugger“) These uber foodists won’t eat anything that casts a shadow. Seriously, if it’s not molds, spores and belly button lint they won’t touch it.

Vegansexual – Now I seriously thought this meant you were one of those people who was  going to introduce fresh veggies and fruits into your love life. I was then corrected when I was told these are people who are only interested in having sex with other vegansexuals who were born from bean pods and water lilies. Thank goodness for honest friends to tell me the truth.

Let me know what you think?


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