Is it that time of the month again?

So in my efforts to make sense of the world we live in my precocious personable precious people, I am noticing something that I am just now realizing could be a truism. Everyone has “that time of the month.” I don’t care if you are animal, vegetable or mineral. Whether you are a Male, female, hermaphrodite, androgynous or whatever, everyone it seems is susceptible to a time or a brief period of time if you will… (did see what I did there in the previous sentence? – if you didn’t go ask your mom to explain it and leave me alone.) every month where they go total Bitch Cakes!

I do it. I have come to terms with it. I even know that it’s happening and I still seem powerless to stop the “a$$ho$e from doing what it does.” Pooping all over everyone unlucky enough to cross my path. They don’t even need to do anything really. The issue is usually all me. Just going off for no particular reason. This brings about some important questions. Such as: Where is my self control? Don’t I have any maturity? Do I let my emotions run rampant all the time? Where is my self control?! DAMN IT, HOLY CHRIST on a CROUTON! I SAID THAT ALREADY!!!!! See what I mean? Right there I just burst into flames over nothing.

My whole life I was told that being in control is something to strive for. And even though I have tried to do this I am learning that I am not ever really in as much control as I think. In fact, since I can’t control the people who are not me and the fact that I am surrounded by these people who are, once again not me, I face an interesting conundrum. How do I manage to stay sane in a world full of people who want things I don’t, who have their own ideas that are not mine and that disagree with my ideas, people who want to go and do and see when I want to see and go and do.

Recently I crossed the line in front of others and made someone feel like less than the valued person they are. That sucked for both of us. I made them feel like I was attacking them and they responded by calling me names and storming out of the room. And this was at work! Yikes right!? For the past few days this incident has reverberated around my place of work culminating in a meeting with the company CEO giving a group of us a talking to. Double yikes!

So what am I saying here? I am saying that I am more prone to emotional outburst than I used to believe. I have come to accept this about myself and will endeavor to learn humility and the art of a sincere apology. I also hope to be able to give others the benefit of the doubt and to remember everyone has bad days and sometimes that’s all it is and it has nothing to do with me.

Bottom line here is we all have our moments and that just a fact of life, period!


Fighting to Forgive


In the short time we will spend together today my docile democratic delightful decryptionists, I would like to talk about a cause almost no one is fighting for.  Forgiveness. When you look around there are no strong figures, leaders, orators, celebrities, athletes, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers… or other brothers or even religious people fighting for the cause of forgiveness. Why is that I wonder? Don’t you?Well I think I might know why. I watched the news last night. And I don’t mean 1 channel for 30 minutes. I mean I surfed all the many satellite channels and got a cross section of news from China, the UK, the US. i looked at Financial News, Trend and Style News, Technology News and even Celebrity or Sensational news, which I found out is mostly rumor. Who knew? As I watched I noticed there were a couple of themes that seemed to be consistent in all the stories. Tell me if you observe the same.

1) A focus on the self – never on the greater good. (a.k.a. what’s in it for me?)

2) A cry for justice, fairness and equity for a wrong done. (Life’s gotta be fair right?)

3) Clearly defined judgments, consequences, and punishment for all wrongs done. (you’re gonna pay!)

4) A preoccupation with the legal system and litigating everyone. (I’ll sue your ass!)

What I did not hear, even once in the context of any of these stories, was a peep about forgiveness. In fact I didn’t hear it in any of the commercials running between the stories. The one thing missing was what do we do when life stops making sense and there is no one to sue today? How do we move past atrocities and accidents and natural disasters? After we have blamed the killer or the thief or God, how do we move forward in our lives? You know… in our hearts and minds, you remember those right? Yah, those two critical things we use to live and love. Seems that instead of using our heart or better thinking we have decided that if the world is not going my way I’ll simply do 1 of 3 things.

1) Find someone else to blame (what could be more important, right?)

2) Sue someone… (‘cause someone has got to pay for “fill in the blank”)

3)  Act out in anger (and criticize, demean, destroy, annihilate, back stab, etc.)

We seem to have all these hateful, vengeful things locked down like we went away for a summer to a camp that specialized in teaching us all to do ONLY these things.

I want to know. Where are the people who say that everyone gets a second chance? Where are the people who understand that forgiving someone is often the only good that comes out of a bad situation? When will there be someone in the news who says that the injustice of this offence was overwhelming and the person who did it deserves punishment, BUT because I understand that the only way we can see our way forward to a peaceful society is if someone grows a pair (yes I am talking about testicles – so sue me!) and says “I forgive you” for the horrible thing you did.

With all this in mind I would like to ask all of us? What are we fighting for?

It’s not that strange… is it?

I enjoy the unusual, the oddity, the unexplained. Sometimes life seems most interesting and exciting when you can’t explain what you are experiencing. Today I offer us a chance to first use our eyes and then our minds to marvel at the strange things I have discovered on the internet. Come with me now if you will into a world of wonder and complete stupidity.

First we visit a well known literary and film figure, Voldemort. I believe we have a rare look at his infant child. Don’t ask who the mother is. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Ok I’ll give you a hint. Her last name starts with Kardashian.

Now let’s see what the Voldemort family cat thinks of the new bundle of joy

Next we hear from our friends over in Thailand to see what strange and amazing creatures they have discovered this week. See if you know what the heck this is And I don’t think you put it on your salad:

Or which alien autopsy special they stole this from

Next we travel to Russia where the 7th grade science fair is marveling over its latest entry. The four hoe spider tractor?

Then we are on to Scandinavia where some people are finding new ways to help the economy and at the same time create some competition for IKEA. Let thePEOPLE be the furniture. Hey don’t knock it. The furniture assembles itself! On the other hand it can be hell to clean…

Then we are back in the US where the debate of who can marry still rages on. However with this new ring getting divorced is a lot more painful than before.

Also from the US is the love of a boy and his dog… gone completely wrong! Just the fact that they posed for this photo gives me chills. Can anyone say “sweater fail?” Hey ladies hurry, he’s still single, but not for long…

This next photo shows a cautionary tale. This is what happened when the octo-mom went in for artificial insemination again. What she didn’t know was that Hagrid was the sperm donor. Hello little Hagrid. Coo-chi Coo-chi Coo – Holy crap who’s going to change that diaper?

Rubeus Hagrid
Rubeus Hagrid (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Finally we travel to Ecuador (or southern California)  where I want you to meet one of my very favorite insects in the world. Here is a truly fearless creature that attacks and subdues tarantulas. Meet TARANTULA HAWK! (a.k.a. pepsis wasp)

I hope you have enjoyed this fascinating journey around the globe to see some of the worlds marvels. Which of these photos are real and which ones could be fake? I aint tellin’. that’s all part of the mystery.

All you need is WORK

Love and Skyscrapers. Who knew?

Does your work suck sometimes? Did it suck today? Does your boss suck? Does that guy in the next cubicle suck? Do your customers suck? Do your policies and work rules suck? At some point most of us have answered yes to most of these questions, feeling like our work-a-day world simply put… sucks.

I admit there are days when I answer yes to these questions. I have to confess that I think ultimately that this is a cop out. I don’t want to think of all the things that are wrong with the place I work or the people I work with. I would rather do something I love, at a place I love, with people I love. If this doesn’t describe your workplace I am here to tell you that there is something you can do about it. But you might not want to. Why? The reason is simple. Most people find is easier to complain than to actually try and make things better for everyone.

I have had numerous conversations with coworkers over the years and form time to time I would bring forward this idea. I would say clearly and emphatically, “We need more LOVE in the workplace.” And almost every time I have said this people laugh out loud. What a completely ludicrous idea they say. Love, in the workplace? What are you a complete idiot? This is B U S I N E S S.  You can’t have love in the business world… well at least not the kind that doesn’t involve a call to human resources and an unpaid leave and 6 weeks of sensitivity training!

But I would persist and try to make my case. You see I believe LOVE is exactly what business needs. Real love is there during the good times and the bad times. So when you get the sale people love you. Easy right? But what about when you’re late with the presentation and someone has to punt? Is there love then? Usually not. But don’t forget that love is only real when you can offer it to someone who seems the least deserving of it. Ah, you forgot that part didn’t you? So, when your coworker has flubbed it up again and is getting reamed by your boss, take the guy out to lunch and if he just needs support encourage him. Put some belief into him. If he is a slacker, tell him and say if he doesn’t get his act together he might not be around much longer. You know, tough love. Maybe you even gain a friend and find a supporter who is there when you screw up. And believe me mister, you screw up a lot! It is good to have these positive alliances at work so no matter what happens you can weather the storms as you each have someone to lean on. Let me tell you, this makes the work day pass more pleasantly. And it helps to diffuse a ton of conflict.

So Go ahead and give it a try. Give someone an unsolicited compliment about something they do well. And then be on the lookout for people who are having a bad day and then do your part to show them a little love. Because if one thing is still true, for love to succeed you’ve got to WORK at it!

You EAT what you ARE

Little, Lisa Simpson?

I like to eat… food. In recent years my way of eating has changed. One might even say it has evolved. Along the way on my journey of discovering different diets and even philosophies about eating I have heard many names for these eating lifestyles. I wanted to take moment to share some of them with you, my beautiful blog begotten brethren and sisthren?

Please enjoy my interpretation and “updated” definitions for these well known, and some not so well known, food choice terms.

Vegan – Perfect Picture of Precise Produce Pristinely Prepared Per Perennial Procedure… Posthumously. A case could be made that this diet is the closet to a divine diet in existence. This might be what angels eat. Hear that honey? I called you an angel.

Raw Vegans – I used to think these were pretentious Vegans who were also nudists. You know, walking around eating veggies in the “the Raw.” Then someone told me it just meant they won’t eat any food heated over 118 degrees. That might be why they all moved away from Phoenix where just putting your food on the kitchen counter can get it up to 120.

Herbivore – (this is just for point of reference) They eat a huge amount of plants and grow to become gigantic (elephants, rhinos, hippos, moose, elk, that guy down the street who barely fits into his SUV) so the (true) Carnivores (wild predators) will have something to eat.

Vegetarian – I used to think this type of diet was one to strive for. I have since learned that this really means you suck at being a Vegan because you won’t give up CHEESE. You’re an addict and you need HELP!

Flexitarian – a.k.a. “Semi-vegetarianism.” And now we come to the Flip Floppers of the food world. These idiots have the audacity to SAY they are Veg or Vegan but will eat both Fish and Chicken at the drop of a hat. That would be sort of like a nun saying that sometimes she acts in pornographic movies but she mostly spends her time at the orphanage with the children.

Omnivore – These people are at least honest enough to admit they will eat anything that crawls or falls on their plate. I have no respect for them but at least their honest… sort of.

Carnivores – People… (that’s right, I said people) who think they are carnivores may be in for a surprise when they claim this as their style of eating. They will discover this actually means that they only eat RAW MEAT, just like lions, tigers, leopards, cheetahs, vultures, etc.  Truth is these people are probably omnivores… see above.

Special BONUS definitions section:

Hand-to-Mouthitarian – these represent many of us in America who have far too many food choices within easy reach, most of which are full of flavor and a free ride to the FAT SLOB institute for the Morbidly Obese. They will eat whatever comes through the window of their car at the drive through.

Level 5 Vegan – (As used on the Simpsons episode “Lisa the Tree Hugger“) These uber foodists won’t eat anything that casts a shadow. Seriously, if it’s not molds, spores and belly button lint they won’t touch it.

Vegansexual – Now I seriously thought this meant you were one of those people who was  going to introduce fresh veggies and fruits into your love life. I was then corrected when I was told these are people who are only interested in having sex with other vegansexuals who were born from bean pods and water lilies. Thank goodness for honest friends to tell me the truth.

Let me know what you think?

Sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it

Cute little kittenShe was just frozen there when I spotter her. A little girl, all alone, just sitting on the curb and looking out across the street. I thought it was odd to see her there staring that way. As I approached and could see around the car that was parked near her I realized that she was looking at something in the street. In an instant I put it together. There was a grey and white long hair cat, barely older than a kitten lying dead on the asphalt. I didn’t know if the cat was hers but I assumed it was. All I could think to do was to kneel down beside her slowly and to help quiet her tears I said the only thing I could think of, “I’m so sorry sweetheart.”

She looked up at me and even though she didn’t know me and I didn’t know her she burst into tears with renewed energy as though she had just discovered her cat for the first time and threw her arms around me. She almost knocked me over. I held her and let her sob. And then just a few moments later it seemed, she turned and ran to a house just down the street, leaving me and the kitten behind.

I share this story so I might share another. In my view of the world there are certain people and organizations that you expect certain things from. We expect basic services from our cities and counties. Police, Fire, Utilities, etc., we hope our schools teach our children well and we want our sports teams to win. We also want to know that those who claim to act on the side of Good to be reliable and steadfast in their actions, words, reputation and example to others.

Lately I have seen many in my world at large, like the little girl in the story. They have had something good and kind and beautiful suddenly turn into something very traumatic. Please know that I am a fan of the organization I am about to name and would not want a world without it BUT the Church which I am a part of has gained a reputation lately for taking the good of God, the kindness of Jesus and the beauty of the Spirit and instead showing the world some very ugly things instead.

So if you are reading these words and at some point in your spiritual journey you were harmed by the Church instead of shown love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control and mercy and grace AND forgiveness, like the young girl in the story, I want to say something to you. And I know I can’t speak for everyone, but I have seen you there staring at the Church like a once loved but now dead creation. So on behalf of myself and any Christian Church member who will allow it I want to say, “I’m sorry for the things I did or said that hurt you.” “I am sorry that I didn’t love you the way I should.” “I am sorry for judging you” “I am sorry for not offering you hope when you needed it most”

Please forgive me. I am trying to do better

… now I need a hug!

Jesus Loves Me (Under the following conditions)

Jesus loves even the lowly tortilla

Sing with me now! “Yes Jesus Loves Me, Yes Jesus Loves Me, Yes Jesus Loves Me, the Bible tells me so.” You may have heard the words to this well known song or maybe you have sung them yourself. It is such a simple song, a children’s song. The words saying something so easy to understand and yet so profound for those who believe the words they are singing. But can a person who is not a believer sing these words and have them be true? Does Jesus love those who do not love him back or those who do not love God (the Father)? Let’s go beyond that and ask the really tough questions. Does Jesus love people of another religion? Those people who worship a different deity altogether? Does he love the thief, the rapist, the abuser, the murderer, the embezzler, the fake faith healer?

Ok now let me bring it closer to the chest. If you call yourself a Christian, meaning you strive to be like Christ in your words, thoughts and actions. Do you love all those people I listed in the paragraph above? If not, should you? You see I don’t know what you would answer to the question of who Jesus loves. I don’t need to know what you answered. The question that really matters here is if Jesus DOES love all those people and you are saying you want to be like Jesus and wonder What Would Jesus Do then shouldn’t you love them too? Ok let’s say that now you have had a breakthrough and you love the extremely unlovable and people are starting to call you Jesus Jr. because you are so much like him. Do us all a favor and describe for us what loving these people would look like. You know, walk us through the day to day of a person who knows what the ‘J-Dog’ would do and who does it themselves.

I’m guessing that you would start early by making everyone breakfast because you love to serve. Then you would head to the old folks home to sit and pray with the sickest and those closest to death. Alzheimer’s, dementia, and arthritis, you’ve seen it all. Then you would drop by the prison to visit with the most hardened guilty criminals and to pray for them and talk to them and let them know that you have not given up on them and that you believe their life is not over and even if they never get out they can make a difference right where they are.

Then maybe you would walk the street of you own neighborhood and stop and talk to those kids who look like they are dead with the piercings and the pale faces, tattooed and smoking. And the gay couple you know lives 2 doors down. You spend a minute getting to know them as people and ask if there is anything you can pray for them for.

I wish I could say this describes me. I wish I acted the way I believe. But the truth is most days I have a hard time believing God loves me. But on those days when I let that idea settle into my mind and my heart I am often amazed at what love I am capable of passing on. I just hope others don’t judge God to harshly by what they see in me.